


Razor Scars

by JustTheTwoOfUs



Series: My Little One Shots [7]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Cutting, Depression, F/M, Hope, M/M, Sadness, Triggers, also slight mentions of Dan being him, but then happiness, feeling alone, please remember you aren't ever alone in anything, really pulled this one out of nowhere, slight mentions of Geoff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-07
Updated: 2014-05-07
Packaged: 2018-01-23 20:48:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1579079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustTheTwoOfUs/pseuds/JustTheTwoOfUs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The burning air inside his lungs was all he could feel, aside from the sharp pains that is his heart pumping icy blood through his veins. He doesn't care anymore, he just craves to be whole....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Razor Scars

**Author's Note:**

> Written in a chronological order of events until it hits the part where it's all past tense.... Imagine a wavy flashback scene going on during those parts.

Gavin isn’t really sure how to describe the way he feels.

Most of the time…it’s a crushing weight on his chest, feeling incredibly short of breath and his heart feeling hollow and empty. He feels useless, like there is no real purpose for life…his life to be specific.

But he lives on because what if there’s nothing after death? He hasn’t ever been particularly religious. Even now though, he doesn’t think he can handle feeling dark and empty every damn day, feeling no end in sight. He ends up putting a face on every day, once with a smile nobody can see behind. He wasn’t sure if he was so good at it that nobody could tell or if they just didn’t say anything.

Even still, they don’t say anything and neither does he. He lets their teasing words glide right over him and his meaningless laughter fill the void.

Sometimes he drinks with Geoff to curb the tension that’s managed to build up inside. With alcohol, he can feel warm and fuzzy and bold but it only lasts a few hours before he’s a numb wreck again.

He doesn’t spend his lonely nights crying anymore. For one, it’ll wake the Ramsey’s and two, the sobbing does nothing to shrink the deep feeling and he hates the way his face gets sticky afterwards.

Besides, feeling emotions again only remind him of how he’s really, truly alone and so, to him it’s always easiest to just ignore it all. If the people he knew found out about he ‘felt’ they wouldn’t do much more than ship him off to the farthest mental hospital with a one way ticket.

_“You should be so happy Gavin!”_

_“A million people would kill for your job!”_

_“You’re living the dream man!”_

And then they would tease him even worse than they do now. Stupid, clumsy Gavin would turn into Sick, Crazy Brit. Just ship him away, nobody could find him if he was hidden behind padded walls in a concrete building.

He used to want to relate to people. To be normal.

But no.

He craves normalcy. To feel everything except this fucking rut that he’s stuck in. He just wants to love and keep love. To be average and feel it all.

But love doesn’t come anymore, not since _him_. Because of one person, he had not been just crushed, but shattered into a million tiny pieces that could never be picked up again.

Never will he be whole again.

Since then, every breath has been like a sharp sting to his thinning body.

Everyone around him gets to be happy…why can’t he be?

Long ago he had found out that slow motion cinematography was his absolute true love, but writing helps take some of the pain away. The ability to put emotions into words and sew said words together into a statement that could bring joy or move people to tears was his gift, and so he uses it to funnel away the vacant spaces.

He longs for it to go away.

 

\--- ---

 

Cold, everything is always so fucking cold.

There’s no point in trying to warm him up. Nothing, not even humid Texas heat can do that. So he simply ignored the ice in his blood to edit the overdue footage Jack is nagging him for.

Back when he first became frozen and empty, he used to watch those around him. The first few attempts at relating since he left have failed miserably. But he knew that keeping up with the way he was going with cold words and colder appearances would end worse, so he watched people again. He watched how people talk to one another and taught himself to carry conversation without a hollow tone. He learned how to manipulate his face into a happier mask so that people would stop pitying his shadowed eyes.

Nobody ever asked about the change or about the still suffocating weight on his chest.

Nobody ever cared enough.

Since the change he has toyed with deadly scenarios inside his own head, testing and pushing his limits, until he realizes that he’s become unhealthy.

He hides the thoughts under razor scars. For him, it’s always been easiest to ignore his problems rather than face them.

 

\--- ---

 

Eventually, he and Michael grow closer and then, on a drunken impulse that was more stupid than bold, he confesses all his sins to Michael. He confides in him all his problems and then, they’re always together and Gavin learns that Michael is the exact same as he is, just farther along the broken path.

After three years of knowing each other, Gavin asks Michael to kiss him.

Michael, being Michael Rage-Quit Jones after all, teases him relentlessly for it.

_“Gavin, that is so gay!”_

But that night when Michael drops Gavin off, he kisses him.

Hollow kisses with consenting lips.

They date after that, but everything is wrong; wrong timing, wrong everything.

Empty and just _wrong_.

They break up with a terrible fight, spewing words they don’t really mean but the night ends with slick skin and hard kisses. It’s sickening how they’re closer than ever before. They still kiss and touch and just use each other to not feel so alone. So damn empty. Because Gavin has known for a while that they’re the same type of person.

Michael knows how lonely life really is. How sad and pathetic life can be. He can read the pain under the mask because he knows what to look for.

He knows pain and hollow empty feelings and the day to day struggle to pretend.

But the difference between Gavin and Michael is that Michael knows hope.

Maybe that’s why Gavin is so attracted to him, because he’s so full of the hope and empty dreams that he sees himself in those big brown eyes. He knows himself best under those strong, impossibly soft touches.

He can taste the desire to want to live on his tongue while they use each other to curb it all away. They can still fill each other up in those moments; but not with love. Never love.

They can’t love…those two so very broken souls that can complete each other if they could allow it.

He’s almost positive they never will.

He isn’t really too sure if it’s that thought that brings back the heavy emptiness that resided in him before Michael and he really took to one another. Nobody could be with him anyway, he’s so fucking damaged. So Gavin allows Michael to use him whenever he wants.

But both are afraid of the future, of what’s to come.

Gavin is afraid of commitment, like Michael.

Gavin is afraid of getting hurt, just like Michael.

Only those whispering broke promises oozing from Michael’s mouth help reel Gavin back into the silky black sheets of his bed, not that the Brit would ever need much coaxing.

Soon, Gavin just doesn’t care anymore. He doesn’t care with whom. He just wants to be full of anything except the excess space inside his soul.

But then after all their time together, all the whispered words and the shared night, Michael finds someone that isn’t Gavin

 

\--- ---

 

Michael finds Lindsay, who is everything it takes to fill up the aloneness inside him. Gavin can see that she’s everything Michael needs and he’s happier than ever before.

Gavin also can’t help the abandoned feeling that covers him like a shroud. It’s in everything he does, the stiff movements and the lack of words, the sluggish way he drags his feet around the office and avoids everything that is Michael and Lindsay, MichaelandLindsay and MICHAELANDLINDSAY!

It hits Gavin like a brick wall, what’s the point in lying anymore? There’s literally nobody left to fool….

They’re so happy together that it makes Gavin sick to masturbate to the thoughts of Michael behind him; sick enough to bring the silvery steel blade back to his pale skin and paint both the crimson color of blood just to fucking feel anything again.

And as he watches the blood drip to the tile floor, vomit covering the porcelain toilet and he’s sobbing again.

There’s still too much to live for to die. He can feel his heart racing inside his chest, he’s feeling again.

Michael is still his best friend. They still hang out but at Gavin’s place instead, skin slapping against skin because it help them both feel alive, even after Gavin tells him that he’s feeling again

Michael just smiles and kisses Gavin and they go again.

Gavin can feel the hope beneath the empty space. He feels it until it overpowers the bare hole in his chest and for the first time in years, _IN FUCKING YEARS_ , there’s something to live for.

**Author's Note:**

> To everyone this pertains to,
> 
> Please remember you aren't alone in anything you do. You may feel there is no escape from whatever you're going through, but I promise you there is. Give it a chance, always give everything a chance, because tomorrow will always be better than yesterday. Please, just don't quit. We love each and every one of you and we believe there is a place for everyone on this planet. 
> 
> Love from,  
> JustTheTwoOfUs


End file.
